From time to time on this page, I like to suggest modern contenders for the Kingsley Amis Prize, which I award every so often to the phrase I currently judge to be the most depressing in the English language. Set up in memory of the late whisky-loving novelist, it celebrates Amis’s famous declaration that the … Read more
The first time I met Lady Georgiana Gascoyne-Cecil, daughter of the present Marquess of Salisbury, she was sitting astride the sink in the pantry at a friend’s party in Notting Hill. There was a long queue for the lavatory, and she just couldn’t wait. But far from showing any sign of embarrassment over her predicament, … Read more
One year ago today, I resolved that 2020 would be the year in which I finally fulfilled ambitions I’d kept simmering on the back burner for decades. Now that I was semi-retired, I’d have plenty of time on my hands. And with money still coming in from my weekly excursions on this page, I’d have … Read more
By this time in December, if 2020 were a normal year, I’d already be wilting under the stresses and strains of the festive season. I don’t mean the business of buying and wrapping the presents, ordering the turkey, choosing the tree, inviting the guests, putting up the decorations, baking and icing the cake, writing the … Read more
Think of an idyllic English summer, and what is the first image that springs to your mind? If you’re anything like me — and there are still a fair few of us old dreamers left — you’ll see a cricket match in progress on a lovingly tended village green. Under an ancient oak tree by … Read more
Tonight I will be sleeping in the spare room — but not for the reason you may think. All right, I admit that our marriage, like so many others, has suffered its fair share of strain during all these months we’ve spent under house arrest. Indeed, even after 40 years together, we still find new things … Read more
Words that often come back to haunt me were spoken years ago by the youngest of my four sons, then aged about ten, on one of the mercifully rare occasions when I found myself in charge of cooking supper: ‘Dad, why is it that everything you cook comes out orange?’ It was a fair question, … Read more
Today I have a painful civic duty to perform. Mindful of my obligation to snitch on friends, family and neighbours who break the law — a duty impressed upon the country by no less a personage than the Health Secretary, Matt ‘Captain Mainwaring’ Hancock — I feel I have no choice but to declare a … Read more
Nothing quite prepared me for the barrage of abuse I walked into when I reported a few months ago that Mrs U was agitating to move from London to the countryside. In normal circumstances, as I’ve admitted before, I choose not to read the comments people append to my articles on the internet. Some, I … Read more
Ever anxious to look on the bright side, today I draw your attention to one of the few cheery aspects of lockdown and the Rule of Six. True, the edicts flowing from Whitehall and local authorities may be crippling the economy, throwing millions out of work, seizing up the health service, condemning the elderly to … Read more