BEL MOONEY: Should my grandchild have frozen me out for my views?

Dear Bel,

During the first lockdown, one of my grandchildren, Jade stayed with me. I’ve had so much to do with her upbringing and paid for extra lessons etc. We baked, walked the dogs, watched TV.

My daughter, Anna, is divorced and was grateful as she was moving house and also had to work.

In August, Jade’s brother, Dan, came over along with his mum. One day, Jade started calling Dan ‘white privilege boy’. He didn’t know what she meant, as he felt he didn’t come from wealth.

She started going on about Black Lives Matter and what it means, saying it’s right to topple statues. Things quickly escalated to include sexual orientation and immigration.

Jade is bisexual. Dan asked how she knew that, and asked whether bisexuality could be a lifestyle choice. He was told to go and educate himself, but remained very calm and asked her to explain it to him.

Things went from bad to worse. I was accused of being transphobic as I said I agreed with J.K. Rowling’s statement following an article which referred to ‘people who menstruate’. (It doesn’t bother me what people are, but does concern me that pre-pubescent children are being given hormones so easily instead of in-depth discussion taking place).

Things turned to immigration. I used to deal with immigration law in a solicitor’s office. I knew which were genuine asylum- seekers (for example, from photographic evidence of torture) and who were purely economic migrants, including criminals.

Jade didn’t like what I was saying about the issues — which are far from simple — and accused me of being antediluvian, whereas at 71, I feel that I’m open-minded and tolerant.

In the end, distraught at her shouting and accusations, I suggested Jade should go and stay with her mum.

Jade has not contacted either of us now she has started uni, and will not answer texts, emails or calls. She has blocked her mother and myself — we have been cancelled.

We have tried contacting her dad, but he’s remarried and has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me or Anna.

I am devastated she wants nothing to do with us. What can I do?

BARBARA

Family disputes over political attitudes became common during the run-up to the EU referendum in 2016, and intensified afterwards — causing great distress between the generations (mainly, I suspect) and ending friendships, too.

There was nothing new about it; in the 17th century the Civil War set father against son and severed life-long friendships. But these days, it feels much worse because the internet has ‘lured’ people into pernicious echo chambers full of self-reinforcing views.

Their emotional opinions are shored up and inflamed by countless others, so that they become enraged when faced with the realisation that (shock, horror) not everybody feels the same.

Then they simply can’t cope — so retreat into rage, followed by ‘cancellation’ — which is rather like a young child sticking their finger in their ear and screaming, ‘No No, No’ to drown out all other sounds.

This has happened within your family — and everywhere.

When the squabble between the two siblings began, it would have been wise to step away, wouldn’t it? But hindsight is a fine thing.

Like you, I would have been irritated by her kneejerk parroting of slogans such as ‘white privilege’ — although I do wonder whether Dan said anything to provoke her, winding his sister up. But Jade has clearly grabbed a bag of fashionable, liberal views and doesn’t want to hear any alternatives.

Your experience working with immigration cases, and therefore understanding important distinctions within them, would have cut no ice with a young woman whose whole identity is tied up with a package of views her friends are bound to share. In Jade’s eyes, she is good while the rest of you (except her dad) are the baddies.

For the moment, there is probably nothing to be done except be patient — and understand she is a caring person.

At the moment she is in an environment which will be supporting all her objections to people who dare to have a different view.

I can see it is desperately hurtful for you to see your former closeness evaporate, but I don’t think you and Anna should bombard her with messages.

But it would be wise for your daughter to do everything in her power to heal the rift with her ex, explaining to him that they need to have a conversation for the sake of Jade’s long-term good.

Sooner or later the girl will need her mother and grandmother, and so the channels need to be kept open.

I’d hope he would see sense of being helpful — and that in time Jade will realise that life is big and complicated, and can’t be forced into ideological boxes.

For now, try to focus on Anna and Dan, and (when Jade comes back) perhaps follow my lead and put a ban on divisive politics in the house. 

I can’t forgive cheating friend’s lies 

Dear Bel,

Many years ago, I was shocked to suspect my husband and best friend were intimate. I didn’t do anything as I didn’t want to ruin the special foursome friendship we had.

Now I regret not speaking out. My husband died, and years later, a close friend revealed that he did have an affair with my friend.

I sent a message to her saying that I would be speaking to her husband about what I now knew, especially as I heard she had also been seeing another friend’s hubby, too.

But she got in first and told her husband I was lying about this other man and her.

She stopped him from coming to confront me, as she knew the truth would come out about her affair with my late husband.

It so happens that my granddaughter married their grandson. Now, at family gatherings, I have to be sure to sit elsewhere because my daughter (the granddaughter’s mother) and this woman are close.

My daughter and I haven’t spoken for years as I could never get Mother of the Year award — but I am just fine with my three other children.

That ‘other’ woman’s lies have destroyed me in so many ways, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my days having to put up with the dark looks from her husband.

By me keeping silent she is winning, but if I speak the truth I have no proof. What are your thoughts about this horrible situation?

HILARY

Many families harbour dark secrets — and the repercussions can continue for decades. Had you acted on your suspicions all those years ago your marriage might not have survived, and the ‘special foursome friendship’ certainly would not.

But the fact that you kept your suspicions quiet must also have had an effect on your marriage and your relationship with your best ‘friend’. When, after your husband’s death, that person told you the truth (and how I wish he or she hadn’t — since it did no good) your first impulse was towards vengeance: to blow the whistle on your ‘friend’.

Many will find that understandable — although (again) it did no good.

You still long to expose your ‘friend’ as an adulterer, although you think nobody would believe you. This bitter situation is causing nothing but stress and unhappiness — to you.

‘Horrible’ — and absolutely pointless. You also reveal you are estranged from the one daughter who’s close to your former ‘friend’. That odd mention of the ‘Mother of the Year’ award suggests to me you feel some guilt over that relationship.

I think you need to think very deeply about what went wrong there — and use that honesty as a springboard to seeing what might be done about all the other relationships. When you say ‘that “other” woman’s lies have destroyed me in so many ways’ — I want to suggest that right now it’s your own inability to come to terms with it all that is causing you most grief.

Please don’t think I’m failing to sympathise with the ongoing pain of a woman who discovered that her husband had an affair with her friend. That was huge. But you have to deal with the present. Two grandchildren met, fell in love and married — so like it or not, you are all connected.

The first thing to start the process of healing (and I mean healing yourself) would be to make up the quarrel with that daughter. Hard, but essential.

Perhaps your other three children could help to broker peace. If this rapprochement could be achieved, there might be an easing of just some of the anger within your heart. That would then give you more strength to deal with the old bitterness.

You’ll never be able to forgive your former ‘friend’ for her betrayal and manipulation of events later. But your choice is between lonely estrangement from this part of the extended family, or doing something to enable you to cope with the gatherings.

And finally… Let a flower teach you how to heal

The garden is shutting down for winter and the sight has made me melancholy.

At that point the only thing to do is imagine what’s going on beneath the surface of the soil — a continuous process of change and growth. Even now I’m looking forward to the first snowdrop shoots. Soon, soon!

I’ve been thinking about plants because my very good friend Fiona Owen (see johnandfionaowen.weebly.com for the beautiful paintings by Fiona and her husband, both of whom I collect) has this week been continuing with her training as a herbalist.

She hopes to complete her apprenticeship next year — not because she intends to become a medical herbalist, but to deepen her understanding of the plants she loves to grow and paint.

She wants the presence of the plants in her paintings to offer healing and uplift. The underlying symbolism in each one has different meanings for different people, but offers solace.

Fiona’s glittering work (like medieval illumination) certainly touches my soul and cheers me when I feel down. But maybe people think of herbalism as some sort of mumbo-jumbo instead of a powerful ancient wisdom.

Plants have been the basis for medical treatments through most of human history (today we call it pharmacognosy), and such traditional medicine is still widely practised.

Modern medicine makes use of many plant-derived compounds as the basis for evidence-based pharmaceutical drugs. Where does aspirin come from? Why is St John’s Wort thought to be a remedy for depression? And do you ever rub a dock leaf on a nettle sting? There is far more wisdom and power in nature than we know.

My friend’s meticulous paintings proclaim that we are all (plants, animals, humans) part of one teaming, glorious, miraculous whole. And that’s why putting a small bunch of flowers in a jar in your room is the best medicine on a dark day.