former McCafé barista Bruno Bouchet coffee says about you according to a former McCafe barista

A former McCafé barista has revealed what each coffee order says about a customer’s personality.

Bruno Bouchet, 34, from Sydney, worked as a crew trainer at McDonald’s for three years where he flipped burgers in the kitchen and crafted coffees behind the counter of McCafé. 

‘I worked at McCafé for a number of years so I felt like I got a pretty good gauge on what’s good and what’s not,’ Bruno told Daily Mail Australia.

‘When drive-through coffee orders pop up on my screen, I’d always know the type of person I’d be handing the drink to based solely on what they had ordered.

‘A long black: no-nonsense and polite. A cappuccino: a Karen with a dirty car. It’s amazing how much your coffee says about you.’

LONG BLACK

It’s the purest way you can drink your coffee. But what does sipping on a long black say about your personality?

Bruno said long black drinkers are thought to be ‘polite’ and ‘no nonsense’ individuals.

‘The purest way to enjoy coffee. The long black is for leaders, the sophisticated and the well-endowed,’ Bruno said.

FLAT WHITE

Bruno said typical flat white drinkers are ‘sensitive’ and ‘intelligent’.

‘The perfect combination of the punchiness of an espresso and the milkiness of milk. If I had drunk a flat white before writing this description, I wouldn’t have been so brain dead as to use the term “milkiness of milk”,’ he said.

LATTE

It’s one of the most popular coffee orders but Bruno said latte drinkers are ‘immature’.

‘It’s the missionary position of coffees. You shouldn’t still be ordering lattes once you’re over 25,’ Bruno said.

CAPPUCCINO

Bruno likened those who order cappuccino to ‘Karens’ with a ‘dirty car’.

‘Cappuccino drinkers are serial complainers, messy and unkempt,’ he joked. 

‘If you need chocolate sprinkles to make your coffee drinkable, then how about just switching to hot chocolate or – even better – arsenic.’

AFFOGATO

Anyone ordering the Italian coffee-based dessert are ‘genuinely happy’, according to Bruno.

‘It’s a delectable battle where sweet fights bitter, hot battles cold… and coming across as a total man-baby clashes with the “f***-yeah-ness” of having just ordered ice cream,’ he said.

SHORT BLACK

According to Bruno, short black drinkers are ‘intense’ and ‘successful’.

‘It’s the coffee-drinking equivalent of no foreplay,’ he joked.

MOCHA

Bruno said mocha drinkers come across as ‘friendly’ but they are ‘not particularly intelligent’. 

‘I’d never be brave enough to order one at a cafe, but I’d push my own grandmother down a stairwell right this second for that delicious coffee and chocolate combo,’ he added.

IRISH COFFEE

Irish coffee drinkers are ‘legends who tip big’, Bruno explained. 

‘If the suns still up when you’re drinking one of these, you’ve got yourself a lil “ol” drinking problem, my friend,’ he said.

LONG MACCHIATO

Bruno claimed those who regularly order a long macchiato are thought to have ‘no friends’ and are ‘bad at their jobs’.

‘Baristas can’t even agree on what a long macchiato actually is. Some places will drop a dollop of creamy foam in a long black, others will lightly stain a double espresso with milk,’ he said.

PICCOLO

‘Wearing a top hat with the words “lord douche” would be less embarrassing than ordering this thimble-sized coffee,’ Bruno said.

SHORT MACCHIATO

Short macchiato drinkers are ‘arrogant yet incredibly insecure’, Bruno suggested. 

‘I made a few of these for Malcolm Turnbull… He’s literally the only person I know who drinks short macs… and I’ve met everyone,’ he joked.

RISTRETTO

Ristretto is a ‘short shot’ of a more highly concentrated espresso coffee, made with the same amount of ground coffee, but extracted with a finer grind using less water. 

‘If you got served an espresso, you wouldn’t even know the difference,’ Bruno said.

‘Stop trying to come across as an interesting and sophisticated person… You’re a piece of dribbly lukewarm garbage.’