It’s that glorious time of year when families and friends get together to enjoy the drizzle and to argue about whether or not the sausages are ready.
1 There really is nothing easier than cooking outdoors on a charcoal barbecue, apart from cooking inside on an electric hob.
2 Before lighting your barbecue, be sure to take these basic safety precautions:
Have a fire extinguisher, bucket of water, fire blanket and hosepipe at hand. Keep children, old folk and pets safely locked up. Prior to commencing your barbecue, warn neighbours that they may well be required to evacuate their property in a matter of minutes. It may be worth alerting your local fire brigade before setting light to your barbecue.
Protective clothing is strongly recommended. To prevent burns, barbecue tongs should be at least two metres long.
Pictured: Stock photo of a family barbecue in Sussex. There really is nothing easier than cooking outdoors on a charcoal barbecue, apart from cooking inside on an electric hob
3 Thankfully, burning your mouth or lips is unlikely, as barbecued food is generally served stone cold.
4 Positioning your barbecue. Be sure to pick the spot in your garden furthest from your kitchen. That soggy little corner near the stinging-nettles is probably ideal. This will prevent anyone going near it.
This extra distance will also boost your keep-fit regime: whenever you forget an implement or item of food you will have to run back inside to find it, returning in time to watch that last sliver of meat as it falls through the gap in the grate.
Position your barbecue close enough to your guests to let them experience the rich, dusky aromas of charcoal smoke as it washes over them, but far enough away to ensure the food arrives lukewarm at their table.
5 Arranging the charcoal.First, ask three alpha males the best way to go about it. The first alpha male will insist on forming a pyramid, the second on pushing balls of paper and sprigs of kindling between the coals, and the third on spraying petrol over everything.
At this point, take the opportunity to go indoors and make yourself a sandwich, as you are in for a long evening.
6 Lighting your barbecue.
Strike a match.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Once you have exhausted all your matches, blame the wind and/or the rain.
Now turn to your guests and ask if anyone has a lighter. Stand so that the flame of the lighter is pointing upwards towards your hand. A strong burning sensation on your thumb and forefinger indicates that the charcoal is still at least ten minutes from lighting, or 20 minutes, if it is starting to drizzle.
7 When to start cooking. The perfect time to start cooking is once the fifth guest has said, ‘I’m starving’ and the rain has begun hitting the charcoal at an angle of 45 degrees.
8 How to tell if your charcoal is ready for cooking? An easy method is to hold your hand to the charcoal. If you can’t feel anything, the barbecue has gone out.
9 Use this handy colour code guide to decide when to start cooking:
Grey, giving off only a little heat. Guests in this condition should be offered another drink and a packet of crisps.
Glowing white with red hot centres: If your guests are glowing white hot with red centres, they have probably got into an argument about Brexit.
If they are not fed within the next ten minutes, they will be shouting: ‘You can’t have it both ways!’
After 20 minutes, you will hear them say, ‘Rubbish!’, after 30 minutes, ‘Utter rubbish’, and after 45 minutes, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t stand any more of this’.
10 There is a two-minute window of opportunity between the flames dying down and the charcoal going stone-cold. Now is the time to start cooking.
By now, half your guests will be arguing that no statue should ever be pulled down, and the other half will be arguing, with equal ferocity, that no statue should ever be put up.
In this state, they will be happy to be offered a twig to chew on until the main course arrives.
11 Ideally, your food should be neither undercooked nor overcooked. Instead, it should be the best of both: black outside and red inside.