Should Matthew Hancock’s proclamations get any more self-regarding they may need to carry a Government disclaimer.
Pretty soon signs will have to flash up on the screens around the Commons. ‘Warning: Shameless self-promotion alert’, or: ‘The following statement may contain lengthy tracts of unbearable smugness.’
The reason for Mr Hancock’s bushy-tailed chirpiness of late is the success of the Government’s vaccine rollout on which, to give him his due, he has so far played a blinder.
Yesterday he came to the Commons to have a well-deserved boast about it. Yes, all this Covid news means we are back to our daily dose of the Health Secretary.
Insufferable: Matt Hancock pictured having his routine coronavirus test at a new Covid-19 testing facility in the Houses of Parliament in London
Hancock entered the chamber, carrying with him that customary affected sense of propriety. Reminds me of someone arriving at their club for the first time and trying to look all casual.
So keen was he to get going he practically leapt from his chair. Boing! Always an early warning sign that he’s at his most insufferable. He announced the Government’s vaccine strategy had been ‘no accident’. They had ‘backed many horses’ in the race to find a successful inoculation and those bets had all romped home.
The Tory benches murmured in approval. Only weeks ago, when Hancock was locking the country down again, they rounded on him like a pack of foam-flecked hyenas. Now they were eager to share in the honeyed glow of his triumph.
Philip Hollobone (Con, Kettering) congratulated Hancock on his ‘difficult, brave’ decision in securing a vaccine.
‘A phenomenal job,’ trumpeted Tobias Ellwood (Con, Bournemouth E), while Nus Ghani (Con, Wealden) chose to gush over the minister’s leadership.
Hancock beamed. Such unity in the House ‘really makes me proud’ he said. It was all ‘very uplifting.’ Ay-oop! For a brief moment there I thought we might get a sprinkling of waterworks.
From the Opposition benches there came little complaint about the vaccine’s delivery. Fingers crossed it really is going tickety-boo.
Naturally they directed their praise toward the NHS. Most of them would sooner gouge out their own eyeballs than spray Hancock with treacle.
The Health Secretary takes a coronavirus test at the Houses of Parliament. The voluntary walk-in centre has been set up for MPs and parliament staff who have to travel into their offices
The attacks were focused on this new South African strain of Covid threatening to wreak havoc around the country.
Angela Eagle (Lab, Wallasey) said the Government had done ‘too little too late’ on the issue of shutting down our borders.
Philippa Whitford (SNP, C Ayrshire) wanted travel restrictions put in place around the country. Hancock told her there already were. Presumably there’s not much more they can do, short of set up road blocks.
Actually, I shouldn’t say things like that. It might give Hancock ideas.
Woke warrioress Zarah Sultana (Lab, Coventry S) bemoaned the Government’s ‘catastrophic mismanagement’ of the crisis. She began citing New Zealand’s zero death rate.
Considering little New Zealand’s remote location and teensy population, is this really a grown-up argument? I’m beginning to think Miss Sultana doesn’t ‘do’ grown up.
Back on the vaccine, Ben Bradshaw (Lab, Exeter) wanted to know why fit and healthy 60-year-olds such as he were getting the jab earlier than younger public sector workers.
Sir Lindsay Hoyle, Speaker of the House of Commons, pictured visiting the new Covid-19 testing facility in the Houses of Parliament in London
Must say I would never have guessed Ben was 60. Perhaps it’s his funky new hairdo. It’s now spikier than a row of stalagmites.
James Davies (Con, Valley of Clwyd) wanted more of the vaccine produced. More? With 400 million doses banked, we’ve got so much of the stuff it’s practically spouting out of the taps.
Speaking of our excess vaccines, Layla Moran (Lib Dem, Abingdon) felt it time we started shipping some off to areas still struggling to get their hands on any.
Hancock said there were millions of people here still in great danger from the virus but we would share the wealth with others eventually.
‘Thanks to the fact we didn’t choose the EU scheme we are far further ahead,’ he said. Narrowing his eyes a tad, Hancock added pointedly: ‘As she knows.’
Porcelain-faced Miss Moran, you will recall, was among those who joined the chorus of swivel-eyed apoplexy when the Government withdrew from the EU’s vaccine programme last year, accusing them of favouring ‘Brexit over vaccines’.
Ministers should never strut, but on this occasion we can forgive Mr Hancock for his polite little reminder.