Dawn O’Porter has candidly reflected on losing her pal Caroline Flack, revealing that she sometimes ‘gets locked in grief so badly and can’t get out’.
The Love Island host, who passed away aged 40, was found dead in her London home on February 15 after taking her own life.
Speaking about the loss on Wednesday, Dawn revealed that she was left in tears after being given a Christmas bauble decoration of her friend and her cat.
‘She’s always on my mind’: Dawn O’Porter has candidly reflected on losing her pal Caroline Flack, revealing that she sometimes ‘gets locked in grief so badly and can’t get out’
Although being happy to have the thoughtful tributes, Dawn said that the reminder of the loss of her friend ‘catapulted her back’ to finding out Caroline was dead.
Taking to Instagram, Dawn penned: ‘This morning two very kind women in my life gave me these Christmas decorations. One for Caroline and one for Lilu.
‘They handed them to me as I was leaving the house to take the kids for a hike. I was so touched and so happy but I cried for the entire drive.
‘Sometimes I just can’t keep it in. I can get catapulted back to around 7.30am on February 15th 2020 so easily. My body went into immediate shock.
Thoughtful: The author, 41, revealed that she was left in tears after being given a Christmas bauble decoration of her friend and her cat
‘My head hurt. I couldn’t catch my breath. Awful. Actual hell. Caroline is always on my mind. But sometimes I get locked in grief so badly and I can’t get out.’
She continued: ‘I don’t know when it will hit me and when it does, I’m down. Out for the count. I’m writing this because I’ve learned it’s good to share it all.
‘Generally you talk about it less as time goes on. You can feel a bit bad for bringing it up when things are supposed to be jolly.
‘But such a collective experience shouldn’t be private. It’s so awful and so sad. It doesn’t mean good life can’t happen around it.
‘It also doesn’t mean that positive changes can’t occur because of it. That good lessons can’t be learned. That happy memories vanish.
Honest: Dawn said she had decided to share her grieving as ‘such a collective experience shouldn’t be private… It’s so awful and so sad’
‘That perspectives can’t shift for the better. New friendships made. Which is all really nice. But it’s still the rawest form of agony.’
Dawn went on to discuss how she thinks shock can change a person physically and that she’s trying to be more ‘grateful’.
She wrote: ‘I think shock never really leaves your body. It changes you physically. Your nervous system remembers it and can put you back in that state at anytime.
‘Not ideal when you’re driving your kids to the park. I had to pull over for a few minutes. I took deep breaths on the hike. I’m trying to be more in the moment. Not always wondering what else I should be doing or where else I should be.
Staying positive: She later shared a snap with her dog during the hike, after revealing she had to pull over during the drive there because she had been crying
‘The kids and I kept hiking. Up and up and up. The furthest we’ve ever gone. Potato got tired because he’s old, so I carried him and cuddled him down the hill. I carried Valentine too, even though he’s massive and it hurt my back.
‘I tried to be grateful etc etc. I can see all the wonderful stuff so clearly. But that doesn’t make the sad stuff less sad.
‘I miss my friend and my cat so very very much and no amount of gratefulness or being present makes that easier. Also, is it STILL 2020?’
Caroline tragically took her life at her Stoke Newington home on February 15, a day after learning the CPS would be pursuing a case of assault against her following a row with beau Lewis Burton at her home in December.
Paying tribute: Dawn has regularly paid tribute to her close pal and marked the five-month anniversary of Caroline’s tragic death with a throwback snap of them together
Following her passing, Dawn was one of Caroline’s many friends to post a tribute to her on social media along with a selection of photographs.
Dawn thanked her ‘funny’ and ‘silly’ friend for all the memories and added that no dance floor will ‘ever be the same again’.
Since her death, Dawn has regularly posted tributes to the star on her Instagram page and shared touching insights into their friendship.
In April, Dawn candidly detailed her experience with grief and shared an old photograph of the duo at an event together in 2015.
Tribute: Caroline, who passed away aged 40, was found dead in her London home on February 15 after taking her own life
Alongside the image, Dawn penned: ‘This was a big night for me. Caroline showed up, as she always did. I keep waiting for it to feel easier. It doesn’t.
‘I guess this is just a feeling that a lot of us have to live with now. Grief shouldn’t feel lonely when so many billions of people have felt it, but still it does.’
She added: ‘Maybe that’s because no one can replace what you lost, and everyone is someone different to everybody else.’
Reflecting on some of her friend’s favourite qualities, she said: ‘Caroline meant a lot to me. She meant a lot to a lot of people in a lot of different ways. Because she was special. That laugh. That humour. That loyalty. I miss it all.’
If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org.
Love: Following her passing in February, Dawn was one of Caroline’s many friends to post a tribute to her on social media along with a selection of photographs