Chad Hanging and Brit Limey are alive and well and working for America’s ABC News.
This column’s fictional anchorman and London bureau chief have been reporting on Britain’s reaction to the U.S. election.
On Saturday night, ABC announced that: ‘Fireworks lit up the night sky over London, England, after Joe Biden was characterised to be the apparent winner of the presidential election.’
You couldn’t make it up. Obviously, nobody at the network has heard of Guy Fawkes or the Gunpowder Plot.
On Saturday night, ABC announced that: ‘Fireworks lit up the night sky over London, England, after Joe Biden was characterised to be the apparent winner of the presidential election.’ (pictured)
They are not aware that every year we remember, remember the Fifth of November by lighting bonfires and setting off rockets and Catherine wheels.
If you ever doubted the notion that Britain and America are two countries divided by a common language, that convoluted sentence sums it up.
‘Joe Biden was characterised to be the apparent winner of the presidential election.’ Eh? What’s that in English?
It was the kind of statement which makes ITV’s Robert Peston and the BBC’s Jim Naughtie appear masters of brevity and precision.
Presumably ‘characterised to be the apparent winner’ means ‘won’. Maybe.
Still, to be charitable, the assumption that Left-wing London was celebrating Biden’s victory wasn’t all that far wide of the mark.
Mayor Khan has spent the past three-and-a-half years spewing bile at Donald Trump — when he wasn’t trying to overturn Brexit.
Khan declared that the leader of our closest ally wasn’t welcome in ‘his’ city. He even flew a puerile Trump Baby blimp over London to mark the President’s official visit to Britain.
So perhaps ABC can be forgiven for jumping to the conclusion that we were dancing in the streets and setting off fireworks in honour of Creepy Uncle Joe.
Mayor Khan has spent the past three-and-a-half years spewing bile at Donald Trump. He even flew a puerile Trump Baby blimp over London to mark the President’s official visit (pictured)
Some things are simply beyond parody. That’s never stopped me, though. We now go over live to ABC News …
Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, with another three hours of Fake News You Can Use.
Let’s cross immediately to London, Englandland, and speak to our special correspondent Brit Limey. Good morning Brit.
Good morning Chad. How’s it hanging?
Good, Brit.
Good, good buddy. I’m standing here in front of Winchester Cathedral, opposite the Houses of Cards, home of the British Congress.
How is the news that Joseph Robespierre Biden II is characterised to be the apparent next President of the United States of America going down in Englandland?
It’s like the Fourth of July, Asbury Park, all over again, Chad.
Fireworks have been lighting up the night sky and Mayor Genghis Khan has closed all the roads and bridges in his honour.
That’s what I call a special relationship.
Ten-four. They’ve even renamed the national war memorial ‘The Senator’ for Senator Biden.
How are they reacting to President Trump’s claim that the election was stolen from him?
They’re saying that every vote must be respected and Trump should withdraw gracefully, drop his lawsuits and concede defeat.
I guess that’s how they do things in Englandland.
Not exactly, Chad. In 2016, the British people voted 52-48 per cent in favour of Brexit, but the dominant political class spent three-and-a-half years throwing their toys out of the pram trying to prevent it happening, using every weapon they could, including lawsuits.
President-Elect Biden is said to be no fan of Brexit.
Still, to be charitable, the assumption that Left-wing London was celebrating Biden’s victory wasn’t all that far wide of the mark (Joe Biden, pictured)
That’s right, Chad. President-Elect Biden is very proud of his roots in Irelandland and has warned nothing must be allowed to threaten the Black Friday Agreement, which governs the free flow of goods from Amazon.
What does British President Doris Johnson say about that?
He’s been otherwise engaged, Chad, dealing with coronavirus.
How are the Brits handling the pandemic?
They’ve closed down the country and built thousands of cycle lanes.
Cycle lanes?
Yep, apparently you can’t get Covid-19 if you ride a bike.
They’ve also shut the factories, offices, pubs, shops, gyms, restaurants and golf courses. And according to the London Daily Mail, you can still sleep with your wife but you can’t play tennis with her.
Not my wife, buddy.
Pardon?
I haven’t slept with my wife since I got outed by the #MeToo movement. She’s run off with her tennis coach.
Sorry to hear that, Chad.
No great loss, Brit. Couldn’t stand the woman. Anyway, why have the Brits locked down again? Covid cases must have been rising alarmingly.
No, they weren’t. Quite the opposite. The lockdown was based on phoney figures which were at least three weeks out of date. Infection rates are actually falling across most of the Yew-Kay.
Why did President Doris agree to it, then?
Search me. President Doris doesn’t appear to be in charge any more. The country is being run by his advisers.
Jeez, Brit, that’s the charge they’re levelling here against President-Elect Biden. They say he’s ga-ga and America will end up with Vice President Tamale Harrisburg taking over.
You might say that, Chad, I couldn’t possibly comment, as they say here in Westchester.
Do you know if President-Elect Biden has spoken to President Doris yet?
Not as far as we’ve been told, Chad. President-Elect Biden was planning to speak to Germany’s President Markle and President Macaroon of France first.
I believe President Doris has tried calling President-Elect Biden, but Downing Street has been told that President- Elect Biden has retreated to his basement and can’t get a cellphone signal . . .
Strictly’s audience fell on Saturday, compared to the previous week when it followed Boris’s press conference with the Two Ronnies of Doom.
Here’s a plan to get the numbers up again. Why don’t the producers invite Vallance and Whitty to trip the light fandango to Peggy Lee’s Fever or The Specials’ Ghost Town.
The ratings would go through the roof, but I would put a month’s furlough money on the pair being voted off after the first round.
A complete di-SAH-ster!
Taking the knee is an own goal
How long are we going to have to suffer this fatuous ‘taking the knee’ nonsense before every Premier League football match?
It’s like wearing a Red Nose or poppy all year round. We all back efforts to rid sport and wider society of racism.
I was presenting radio and TV shows promoting Kick It Out more than 20 years ago.
But even ‘Sir’ Les Ferdinand, one of our finest black former players, now director of football at Queens Park Rangers, says ‘the knee’ is little more than a token gesture and should stop.
At the weekend, clubs marked Remembrance Sunday with a minute’s silence. The players then ruined it by taking the knee, a symbol of the militant Black Lives Matter movement.
During the summer, BLM supporters defaced Churchill’s statue and tried to burn the Union flag at the Cenotaph.
Yet while the nation was honouring our war dead, Premier League footballers were bending the knee to an anti-British rabble that spat on the sacrifice of those who fought and died for our freedoms.
Sky Sports News is ten times worse. It’s become the official broadcast partner of BLM, even plastering its gormless slogans over golf leaderboards. I can’t watch it any more.
And although I’ve had a season ticket at Spurs for four decades, I won’t be renewing it while players continue to kneel before games.
I don’t go to football to have political propaganda shoved in my face. And I’m convinced fans everywhere feel the same.
Enough already.
Salman Rushdie’s daughter-in-law says the author is a dab hand at getting her newborn baby daughter Rose to sleep.
‘He is the baby whisperer. He picks Rose up and she’ll fall asleep in his arms.’ I know the feeling.
He had the same effect on me before I got to page seven of Midnight’s Children.