Verity and Tristan’s love story spawned into something twisted and sordid on Monday night’s Made In Chelsea.
Whereas last series it was all candy floss and ribbons and bunnies, this series it is gruel and dirty needles and deformed rats.
The latest in the saga is that Liv ‘offered Tristan a mouth to tongue’ during a drunken night which saw lap-dancing and kissing [but no sexual relations] aplenty.
From bad to worse: Verity and Tristan’s love story spawned into something twisted and sordid on Monday night’s Made In Chelsea
Verity is fuming about this after Amelia gleefully shows her the evidence on Instagram stories.
The problem here is that Verity has no right to be angry given that she A/ dumped Tristan, B/ kissed newly-confident Holmes, and C/ in fact fancies Charlie.
At Hampton Court golf course, Sam, Reza and Jamie are thwacking golf balls at a herd of unsuspecting deer.
Reza has a new high-maintenance girlfriend called Ruby [more on her later] who he explains had a go at him because he told her she had nice teeth, after she came back from ‘having them done’. Apparently she accused him of being sarcastic and didn’t speak to him for two days.
Showdown: Maeva has been chomping at the bit for months to yell in Verity’s face and is furious that the global health crisis has prevented this
Snap! Reza has a new high-maintenance girlfriend called Ruby who he explains had a go at him because he told her she had nice teeth
While it’s likely Reza is spinning a yarn for the sake of comedy, on meeting Ruby later we can imagine he’s actually not.
Sophie tells Ollie what she’s looking for in a man: Humour, a connection, conversation and attraction.
‘And a large k**b?’ Ollie asks, to which Sophie asserts that ‘there’s nothing more revolting than a thin noodle’.
Stay away from Wagamama Sophie!
Stay away from Wagamama! Sophie asserts that ‘there’s nothing more revolting than a thin noodle’
Too nice: MIC is just not for Holmes, who is too timid and not arrogantly confident enough in his delivery
Charlie is the kind of housemate you really wish would bugger off. All he does is flit around telling people off for not working out and for drinking alcohol instead of protein shakes.
No-one wants your whey, vanilla and spinach smoothies Charlie! There’s a pandemic happening. Make yourself useful and find a vaccine, yeah?
Having kissed Verity last week, Holmes wants to take her on a date. She mugs him off because she actually fancies Charlie.
Poor Holmes. Basically, MIC is just not for him. He is too timid and not arrogantly confident enough in his delivery. He may have ‘rigged up’ but he’s still tripping over his words and, instead of accusing Verity of gaslighting him, just sort of says ‘oh okay then’ and scuttles away.
James and Meava are back and Maeva’s got a neck scarf on because she’s French.
She’s back! Maeva’s got a neck scarf on because she’s French
Cupid: Sophie tells Ollie what she’s looking for in a man. ‘A large k**b?’ Ollie asks
She’s not been there two minutes before she starts throwing accusations about Verity around the gaff, branding her ‘not the classiest girl in the world’.
Sophie goes on her date with Will who is a model. Of course you are Will. Also, he travels a lot because he is a model. And has a motorcycle because he is a model. And can say ‘butterfly’ in German because he is a model.
Halfway through the date, a hotter man walks in called Pete. It seems that he could be a better match for Sophie until he says ‘this is wildly awkward’ and admits he can’t snowboard.
Meet Ruby. She’s a model agent and so should really know better than to appear on MIC. She represents Zara and ‘did her digitals yesterday’.
Ready to mingle: Sophie goes on her date with Will who is a model. Of course you are Will
Model: Will travels a lot because he is a model. And has a motorcycle because he is a model. And can say ‘butterfly’ in German because he is a model
Question for Ruby: By digitals, do you mean ‘photos’? Because surely, as we are in 2020, you’re not going to be taking pictures via any means other than digitally. Especially in a pandemic where to send glossy snaps in the post risks coronavirus cross-contamination.
Ruby makes up for Holmes’ lack of confidence and is quite happy to sit there with Reza, Zara and Sam and smugly tuck into her Eggs Florentine while she goes off on one about Melissa.
Paris still has her eye on Tristan and takes a stab at flirting with him. The problem is that she is rather lethargic in her delivery and so it sounds like someone’s playing her voice on a tape a 0.5 speed.
Hello there! Halfway through the date, a hotter man walks in called Pete
Handsy! Liv ‘offered Tristan a mouth to tongue’ during a drunken night which saw lap-dancing and kissing (but no sexual relations) aplenty
She then learns that Liv and Tristan had a kiss. She tells Freddie – who has STILL got that moustache – that she won’t stand for being second best.
You think she’s about to say that she was treated like that in a past relationship, which makes you slightly warm to her, but she instead says: ‘In the past I have only been treated like a goddess!’
Well good for you then Paris!
Next comes a Maeva/Verity showdown. Maeva has been chomping at the bit for months to yell in Verity’s face and is furious that the global health crisis has prevented this.
In walks Ruby like she owns the place: One can only presume she has turned up late to tea because she has been airbrushing Zara’s digitals
Braggin! Paris says, ‘In the past I have only been treated like a goddess!’ Well good for you then Paris
She has much to say about Verity’s phone dumping of Tristan, telling her that she is ‘like a dog, acting like a s**t’ and ‘a f**king goat’.
She rounds this off with ‘act like a lady!’ before casually telling her that Verity and Liv kissed.
Melissa and Habbs are having tea. In walks Ruby like she owns the place, seizing up the cup that has been pre-ordered for her without so much as a thank you. One can only presume she has turned up late to tea because she has been airbrushing Zara’s digitals.
She then instructs Melissa to build bridges with Tiff, Liv and Zara. Habbs takes it upon herself to intervene and an argumentative picnic takes place in which Melissa and Zara somewhat bury the hatchet but not really.
Sort it out! Ruby instructs Melissa to build bridges with Tiff, Liv and Zara
Back in the country: Verity confronts Liv and Tristan about their kiss, despite the fact she hasn’t really got a leg to stand on
Back in the country, Verity confronts Liv and Tristan about their kiss, despite the fact she hasn’t really got a leg to stand on.
This turns into a ‘Habbs warned me about you!’ to Liv, who in turn tells her to ‘get the f**k out of my house!’ – the second time she has uttered these lines this series.
Who will she say it to next week? Let’s hope its either lethargic Paris or oddly-confident Ruby…
Made In Chelsea continues on Monday at 9PM on E4.