We’re gathered here today to commemorate the short lived media careers of twenty paid actors, whose names we will surely remember for the rest of our lives.
They were thrown to the sharks on Big Brother’s live finale on Wednesday night, scrapping over a $250,000 cash prize without a script, or producer, in sight.
Unsurprisingly, our ragtag bunch of bogans froze up like deer in headlights when left to their own devices, leaving Sonia Kruger on her knees in the mud, trying to milk drama out of twenty dry teats.
Last Flog Standing: Australia was left with the unenviable task of deciding which of the three remaining social media flogs they hated the least on Wednesday night
Last Flog Standing
‘But we fell in love with them all!’ we complained. ‘They were all so memorable.’ There was Sally Bedding, returning to the spotlight for the first time since coming second in the 10th annual Westfield Garden City Spray Tanning Championships
Australia was left with the unenviable task of deciding which of the three remaining social media flogs they hated the least.
‘But we fell in love with them all!’ we complained. ‘They were all so memorable.’
There was Sally Bedding, returning to the spotlight for the first time since coming second in the 10th annual Westfield Garden City Spray Tanning Championships.
And who could forget little Danny Gooders, the BMX bandit with a heart nearly as big as his nose?
And who could forget little Danny Gooders, the BMX bandit with a heart nearly as big as his nose?
Of course there was tortured genius Thud The Impaler, who famously joined the show because his house was being fumigated and he had nowhere else to sleep.
Of course there was tortured genius Thud The Impaler, who famously joined the show because his house was being fumigated and he had nowhere else to sleep
You Call That Drama?
Truthfully Sophie, Daniel and Chad failed to leave much of a lasting impression on anybody – they were robbed of the chance by Channel Seven, who insisted on ruining the beloved ‘Bogans in a party house’ format in favour of a completely staged approach a la Married At First Sight
Truthfully Sophie, Daniel and Chad failed to leave much of a lasting impression on anybody – they were robbed of the chance by Channel Seven, who insisted on ruining the beloved ‘Bogans in a party house’ format in favour of a completely staged approach a la Married At First Sight.
The fake format is all well and good, but the public expects drama, cat fights, affairs, unexplained pregnancies and semi-consensual gang-bangs. You have to go all in.
Wednesday’s cast reunion laid that truth bare, despite Sonia Kruger’s best efforts.
Dance monkey: The fake format is all well and good, but the public expects drama, cat fights, affairs, unexplained pregnancies and semi-consensual gang-bangs. You have to go all in. Wednesday’s cast reunion laid that truth bare, despite Sonia Kruger’s best efforts
First cab off the rank was Allan, who got kicked out in week one for being too interesting.
Sonia: ‘Allan, not only did you not win Big Brother, you got kicked off in a landslide, how dramatic was that!?’
‘Sorry to interrupt,’ said fan favourite Angela, who clearly didn’t have a lick of remorse for chiming in.
First cab off the rank was Allan, who got kicked out in week one for being too interesting. Sonia: ‘Allan, not only did you not win Big Brother, you got kicked off in a landslide, how dramatic was that!?’
‘But Allan got booted because he was a headache that nobody had the pills for.’
‘Oooh!’ said Sonia, nearly bulging her eyes out of her skull in an attempt to convey controversy that just wasn’t there.
‘You call that drama?’ screamed the viewers.
‘Someone hit him! Call him a dirty slapper!’
‘You call that drama?’ screamed the viewers. ‘Someone hit him! Call him a dirty slapper!’
Sonia went back to the empty well, this time honing in on Dame Edna soundalike Kieran.
Sonia: ‘Um Kieran, what was your favourite nickname on the show? Car crash? Thicko? You had so many!
Kieran: ‘Actually my favourite was cockroach! I bet you want to know why?’
Viewers: ‘Someone push him off his chair!’
An hour in and we still hadn’t heard from our final three.
Sonia went back to the empty well. Sonia: ‘Um Kieran, what was your favourite nickname on the show? Car crash? Thicko? You had so many! Viewers: ‘Someone push him off his chair!’
It’s Time To Go
An hour in and we still hadn’t heard from our final three. We soon learned why. Sonia: ‘Guys, make your final pleas to Australia, why do you deserve to win?’
We learned why when Dan, Chad and Sophie finally took centre stage in the final fifteen minutes.
Sonia: ‘Guys, make your final pleas to Australia, why do you deserve to win?’
Dan: ‘Yeah, I played a great game ya know? You want to know another great game? Footy! How good’s footy? Vote for me if you like FOOTY!”
Dan: ‘Yeah, I played a great game ya know? You want to know another great game? Footy! How good’s footy? Vote for me if you like FOOTY!”
‘F**kin FOOOOOTY!’ yelled his platonic life partner Mat from the front row
‘F**kin FOOOOOTY!’ yelled his platonic life partner Mat from the front row.
Chad: ‘Vote for me because I played wif heart an’ integrity an’ that. Sure I can’t complete a full sentence but that doesn’t mean I am’
Sonia: ‘Go on…’
Chad: ‘Nah that’s it.’
Chad: ‘Vote for me because I played wif heart an’ integrity an’ that. Sure I can’t complete a full sentence but that doesn’t mean I am’. Sonia: ‘Go on…’ Chad: ‘Nah that’s it.’
Sonia: ‘Okay there you have it ladies and gentleman. What you see is what you get. And what about you Sophie?’
Sophie: ‘There’s nothing going through my mind. It’s just mush!’
Wow, great to see three deserving people up there. Really heart-wrenching stuff.
Sonia: Okay. And what about you Sophie?’ Sophie: ‘There’s nothing going through my mind. It’s just mush!’ Wow, great to see three deserving people up there. Really heart-wrenching stuff.
As expected, Chad was crowned the winner, continuing in the Australian tradition of choosing the least intimidating flog.
‘Do you have anything to say to Australia, Chad?’ asked Sonia.
‘Nah! He replied. Don’t make me speak right now. Mum you got anything to say?’
Chad’s mum: ‘Hurry the f**k up, my parking expires in twenty minutes!’
Now THAT’S drama!
As expected, Chad was crowned the winner, continuing in the Australian tradition of choosing the least intimidating flog. ‘Do you have anything to say to Australia, Chad?’ asked Sonia. ‘Nah.’ He replied. ‘Mum, you got anything to say?’
Chad’s mum: ‘Hurry the f**k up, my parking expires in twenty minutes!’ Now THAT’S drama!