Five years together and she won’t let me see her sons

TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 53 and 55, draw on their 22 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .

Q I am a widower in my early 60s — I lost my wife 13 years ago. For over five years, I’ve been dating a lovely lady, whose husband died.

She has her own flat but regularly stays with her three sons, who are all in their 30s. Because of the virus, we haven’t seen each other for months.

I want to meet up now, but she says her sons are very fearful so she wants to wait. The problem is she’s always been secretive and even before the virus, she always ‘scheduled’ me for whenever they were not around. In my opinion, she treats her children like babies.

I’m an open book and she has met my two grown-up boys on numerous occasions. I’m totally fed up with this situation and have ended the relationship because of it. I refused to remain the hidden man any longer. I feel demeaned. Why can’t she see the light?

STEPH SAYS: The first thing I would like to say is that writing to us was a brave thing to do and I thank you. You are by no means alone in finding that an enforced separation during the pandemic has led you to see things differently.

Five years is a long time to be going out with each other, and you sound like you have a happy family life. As such, it must be very difficult to feel, as you say, like a ‘hidden man’.

I get the feeling that you somehow feel hoodwinked, so I ask you is there really so much harm in her coming to you when her boys are away or busy? Why is that such a bad thing?

You use the word ‘scheduled’ in a very negative way, but maybe she liked to plan and look forward to seeing you?

Is she really hiding you? She hasn’t hidden herself away from your family — she’s involved with your boys — so for her it is clear that she’s not a secret.

You say your girlfriend tells you her sons are very fearful about reintegrating after the pandemic. Well, I think that’s completely normal. I am, too — in fact, I think we all should be. So, in that regard, I don’t see this as pandering to her children.

But I don’t think this is about that. And after five years together, I am very confident that you do not either.

I can’t tell you why she doesn’t want her family to mix with your family, but I do wonder if there’s a story here that she doesn’t want to share with you. It could be something she fears you would reject her for — or it could be a very deep sadness.

But it is you who has written for help, not her, and you clearly feel deeply hurt to write that you feel ‘demeaned’. Over the years, this lady’s behaviour has chipped away at your self-confidence and self-esteem. You sound truly broken-hearted and I’m so sorry.

Your desire for her to share her family with you is at the heart of this letter, and her refusal to do so has hurt you so much that you’ve broken off the relationship. I think it’s important to stress here that it was you who did that: you are at the helm of your decisions.

I do always advocate talking, so perhaps you should try asking her once more for her truth. Your relationship will only survive if you feel you are with an honest person.

You ask ‘why can’t she see the light’ and I’m afraid I don’t know, but I fear the only light that she can see is the one pointing directly at her. If this is the case, your decision to stop seeing her is the right one.

Your light is worthy of being seen, too — and so are you.

DOM SAYS: I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in what does seem like a very perplexing situation. I’m slightly amazed that you’ve lasted five whole years without ever properly spending time with her family. I have to agree with you, I find it rather odd.

I suppose it may be that her children were particularly close to their late father and she is trying to protect them from a new man coming into their lives. It does seem, for men in their 30s, a bit of an overreaction though. It’s possible, too, that her sons may have been very vocal about their lack of desire to see her with a new man. That would seem rather unfair on her, but it’s also perfectly possible.

Or perhaps, far from protecting them from you, she is instead sheltering you from them. She may know that they are the kind of boys who will make life difficult for you. No one wants to be given the third degree, and she may feel that that’s what would be in store for you!

But whatever the reason for the avoidance, it is entirely reasonable that you have asked for it to stop. It’s not right for her to have entered into a relationship without doing so fully and openly. She has put you in a deeply hurtful situation and that is very unfair of her.

I very much feel for you as the hidden man. My gut reaction is that, actually, this has nothing to do with you. It would be the same with any ‘new’ man in her life as this is all about her inability to admit to her children that she’s moved on.

Five years is far too long to keep you in the shadows. It’s about time that she grows up and makes the world aware of her relationship with you.

You have made the right choice in ending things. My hope is that she will see the light and remedy the situation. If her feelings are sufficiently strong, it’s still very possible that she will come back with open arms and be happy to share you with the world.

One note of caution, however. At the start of your letter you talk about how she doesn’t want to meet yet as her sons are fearful about the virus.

While I feel you are absolutely correct in wanting to go public with your relationship, it is totally reasonable of her not to want to meet and mingle at the present time.

Some of us are more fearful than others as we take our first steps into the new normal — and we must all respect that.

If she wants to get back together, then do it on her timescale — but make sure a meeting is planned with the family, too, as soon as everyone is comfortable.

If you have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to: stephanddom@ dailymail.co.uk