There is a scene in George A. Romero’s 1978 cult zombie classic Dawn Of The Dead, where survivors arrive at a post-apocalyptic shopping mall to discover it teeming with the infected, stumbling around closed shops, blindly riding the escalators in a grimly comedic ballet of gore.
‘But what are they all doing?’ asks the heroine.
‘Some kind of instinct,’ replies the gruff hero. ‘What they used to do. This was an important place in their lives.’
I’m afraid this was the first thing that sprang to mind when I saw the scenes at Ikea on Monday.
Something about this crisis has forced me to shift my priorities, think more carefully about my choices in life. It has, in many ways, been a period of much-needed reflection
The Swedish furniture giant re-opened 19 of its UK stores this week and was, to put it mildly, mobbed.
In Warrington, cars started arriving at 5.30am, ahead of a 9am start; by lunchtime, in the broiling heat, the socially distanced queue was more than 1,000 strong.
The same was true in Birmingham, London, Nottingham and beyond.
In their hordes they came, lines and lines of shoppers sweltering for hours in the hot sunshine.
And for what? The privilege of carrying home some fiendishly complicated item of flat-packed furniture guaranteed to drive them to within an inch of insanity?
Perhaps they really were responding to a subconscious need to return to something normal (if a trip to Ikea can ever be described as ‘normal’).
Or perhaps Britain is more of a nation of masochists than one realises.
The Swedish furniture giant re-opened 19 of its UK stores this week and was, to put it mildly, mobbed
I could never envisage a furnishings shortage so urgent as to necessitate such madness. Especially since you can get most of it online.
But it got worse. Yesterday, there were similar scenes as McDonald’s opened more restaurants.
Thousands of junk food fans were finally released from purdah to gorge on greasy, mass-produced food that the science warns is so bad for a nation confronting coronavirus.
But all that pales into insignificance compared with what is going to happen on June 15, when the likes of Primark, Marks & Spencer and others fully re-open.
Such is the feeding frenzy predicted, the former is so confident that it will succeed in offloading £1.9billion worth of unsold stock it’s not even slashing prices.
Other stores are planning hefty discounts.
Ordinarily, I’d be gearing up for a spot of bargain-hunting.
But something about this crisis has forced me to shift my priorities, think more carefully about my choices in life. It has, in many ways, been a period of much-needed reflection.
The truth is that the convenient, flat-packed existence that once seemed so important suddenly looks very shallow.
Unplugged from the never-ending conveyor-belt of conspicuous consumption, I have been reminded of the things that really matter.
Thousands of junk food fans were finally released from purdah to gorge on greasy, mass-produced food that the science warns is so bad for a nation confronting coronavirus
The simple pleasure of a long phone call with my mother, spending time helping a teenager write an essay, walking the dogs that extra half-mile.
These are all small things that make life immeasurably richer, and yet somehow I never seemed to have the time.
I was always too distracted, too busy with other stuff. Stuff I now realise I can happily live without.
For if the past few months have taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need — or want — half of what I thought I needed and wanted so badly before coronavirus came along.
Now we are easing out of lockdown, I, for one, am not getting back in that endless, mind-numbing queue any time soon.
Bella Hadid, Cara Delevingne, Dita Von Teese and Rihanna all posted blacked-out screens on their social media yesterday to protest against the killing in America of George Floyd.
Any chance they could stay that way?
Majestic way to show old can be fighting fit
There are people half the Queen’s age who couldn’t manage what she does
This pandemic has unfairly cast the older generation as frail and fragile, fit only to be hidden away and patronised like small children.
But that is a grossly unfair generalisation — something our own Queen regularly reminds us in her characteristic understated fashion … and never more so when out riding, aged 94, last weekend.
There are people half her age who couldn’t manage what she does.
A salutary reminder not to dismiss anyone simply on account of age.
Smiles that prove school is so vital
The joy on the faces of children as they finally began to return to school this week was a sight to behold.
So much has been said about falling educational outcomes in lockdown, and of course the academic side of things is vital.
But school is about so much more than textbooks.
Parents instinctively know this, but the past weeks have highlighted in fairly stark terms — for me, at least — how kids suffer when deprived of contact with friends as well as teachers.
My two are just about hanging in there, but as my son remarked the other day: ‘I never thought I’d say this, Mum — but I can’t wait to go back to school.’
Ice queen and her king of naff
As a goddess who could have had anyone she wanted, why choose the king of naff?
I love the idea of the ice queen of French cinema, Catherine Deneuve, having a life long affair with the orangutan of French pop, Johnny Hallyday.
One could hardly imagine a more unlikely pairing.
As a goddess who could have had anyone she wanted, why choose the king of naff?
Further proof that love is blind — or at the very least wears extremely dark glasses.
Is there something just a tad off-colour about style bible Vogue featuring three key workers — a community midwife, a train driver and a supermarket assistant — on its July cover?
Most of the models featured in its pages probably earn the combined monthly salary of all three, and the clothes they wear cost even more.
Call me cynical, but this strikes me as nothing more than a shallow stunt designed to hitch a ride on the ‘clap for carers’ bandwagon.
It would have been better if Stormzy hadn’t made marijuana so cool in the first place by referencing it in so many of his songs
Dear Stormzy, thank you for speaking out about the dangers of smoking too much marijuana.
Of course, it would have been better if you hadn’t made the stuff so cool in the first place by referencing it in so many of your songs.
Give them a break!
I don’t see the logic of the proposed 14-day quarantine for travellers entering the UK from abroad — too much, too late.
But if the Government does go ahead despite opposition, they should at least exempt key workers. Unlike many who have been enjoying furlough at home in their back gardens, these people have been working flat out, and risking their own health for the sake of others.
They deserve their holidays, and can ill-afford to cancel them.
Still no news on when churches can re-open, which is strange.
Given the declining popularity of the Church of England, our places of worship are the one environment where social distancing is really not an issue.