How do retail chains keep going? While the rest of the country worries about the survival of small businesses, in soapland it is only the small ones that are doing a booming trade.
Despite the presence of Weatherfield’s Co-op in Corrie, I’ve yet to see a person carrying a bag from there.
Why would you buy a £4.99 bottle of wine, when you can buy exactly the same one at Dev’s for £8.99 – or, even better, over the counter at the Rovers for around £20 (no, really, I’d love to know)? And how is Costa managing, given that Carla is the only person coming from that direction holding a coffee cup, and everyone is queuing in Roy’s Rolls? If I were Co-op and Costa, I’d be looking at those Granada contracts very closely indeed, because to me they’re getting even less publicity than an MOT at the garage.
It’s the same in EastEnders’ Albert Square, where the corner shop does more business than Tesco; and in Emmerdale, the posh deli is managing to pay its rates by selling one jar of pâté at Christmas.
Don’t even get me started on why everyone doesn’t save money by going to Pizza Express every night.
EASTENDERS
JOINING THE DOTTY
Dotty is asked on a date by convicted killer Bobby, in this week’s EastEnders. Pictured: Dotty (Milly Zero) and Vinny (Shiv Jalota)
The dynamic between Dotty and Vinny is hard to fathom. Was it his skills as a DJ that first attracted her (doubtful; donning headphones as a choker doth not a great DJ make)? And what attracted him to her?
Certainly not her dress sense – does she blindfold herself before hitting the wardrobe rack, or raid the market’s bins at closing time?
Despite this, she’s reeling in the boys at the moment and Bobby decides to ask her on a date.
That’ll be a tough one: a convicted killer, newly released from prison – what a catch! If this were Whitney, she’d be halfway up the aisle before realising her mistake (actually, probably not even then), but maybe Dotty has more sense. One can but hope.
Speaking of Whitney, she is understandably furious when Michaela admits she knew about Tony and now blames herself for Leo’s death (I’m sticking with Miss Dean. In the kitchen. With the dagger).
Doubtless this will be an opportunity for another of those lingering camera shots on Whitney’s face as she ponders, ‘Oh dear, now I’m not sure what to think.’ The show loves these shots: almost as much as it likes the ones of Mick’s ‘I have no idea what is going on but I’m going to keep this frozen frown on anyway.’
Still struggling with her demons (her husband being the main one), Linda has a favour to ask of Phil. I think we can safely say it’s not a request for hairdressing tips.
A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR?
Elsewhere in EastEnders, Kush (pictured) discovers that Jean hasn’t been taking her pills
Will Walford’s Mr Nice Guy, Kush, ever have another story in which he isn’t Walford’s answer to the Second Coming, dispensing good deeds around like a saviour of mankind?
In a crisis, even a first responder would come second to Kush. The latest beneficiary (or victim) is Jean, who insists she’s fine (a red light –she never is).
But after finding she hasn’t been taking her pills (can you tell?), how far will Kush go to help?
EMMERDALE
A FLAMIN’ MESS
A campfire is lit with only Archie and Arthur (pictured) in sight, just months after the factory fire in Emmerdale
You can’t help wondering if there is a closet pyromaniac on the production team in Emmerdale. It’s just months since the factory fire yet here we are, a campfire ready to light, and only Archie and Arthur in sight.
The tension between them has been escalating of late, so what could go wrong? They could open a McDonald’s for all the burgers those flames could consume.
Meanwhile, Andrea is scheming to win back Jamie and tells her love rival they’re planning a holiday. Don’t worry, Belle: a ‘holiday’ here is a day trip to Leeds.
DRUG MULE OR ASS?
The Godfather IV, this ain’t. How much longer can they drag out the Cain/Billy/Malone saga in the hope that the actors can keep straight faces? I’ve seen more convincing drug mules behind the counter at the chemist.
This week’s Don Corleone audition takes place when Cain refuses to accept payment for the courier job, while the drug dealer is stocking up Cain’s car.
To cut a long story even longer, there’s a car chase involving the police and a shock ending. Don’t expect anything like equine heads in beds; they’ve got a lot to learn from the Mafia.
CORONATION STREET
STREET WARS
Gary defends Kelly, when Dev (pictured) blames her for having caused Asha so many problems in Coronation Street
Whenever the show wants to up the ante regarding Gary’s toughness, they lop another few inches off his hair. Now it’s so short it looks as if he’s had a run-in with a Black & Decker hedge trimmer. Take any more off and they’ll have to start on his skull.
Gary leaps to Kelly’s defence when Dev blames her for having caused Asha so many problems (Hmm – Dad would be top of my list as the culprit there). Like so many confrontations, the ensemble decide to battle this out in the road.
As a side note, by the way, will somebody paint the missing acute accent over the ‘e’ at the café, please. There is no way, given Roy’s pedantry, that he wouldn’t have corrected this.
Having gone from someone in need of being rescued, Nina has quickly assumed the role of rescuer, and when a group of lads targets Asha, she wastes no time in showing them what’s what.
Let’s just call it a major nose job.
Asha is very grateful and extremely touched when Nina leaves her a sketch she has drawn of her. Are we heading for another lesbian hook-up? Or, sometimes, is a sketch only a sketch?
ALL COME OUT IN THE WASH?
David finds himself in Max’s (pictured) bad books, when he falls asleep during his speech at the Outreach Awards
What is the shirt David furtively throws in the washing machine, hoping that Gail won’t see it? Fat chance. A piece of dental floss wouldn’t pass Gail’s beady eye when it comes to laundry.
It’s enough of a distraction to put David in Max’s bad books (does he have any good ones?) when he falls asleep and realises he’s missed Max’s speech at the Outreach Awards.
If Max has acquired anything like David’s level of articulacy, nothing will have been lost. You have to feel sorry for the lad, though. He’s lost so many people in his life; no one has even explained to him where David the dog has gone.
Maybe he’s under the stairs, grieving for Eccles.
Talking of stairs, have you noticed how all arguments in that house always stop halfway up the staircase? That’s because there’s no top floor on the set. Just saying.
If you haven’t seen last week’s episodes yet, I urge you to watch them on catch-up. Friday’s was sublime. Astonishing performances from Ian Bartholomew (Geoff) and Shelley King. I’m still shaking.