WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1
In the spirit of April Fool’s Day, I accidentally selected the wrong make-up in the Good Morning Britain studio at 5am today (we’re self-facially-decorating now) and painted myself bright orange.
I only realised when viewers bombarded me on Twitter with pictures of my head next to one of perma-tanned President Trump with mocking ‘TANGO TWINS!’ style captions.
‘How bad is it?’ I whispered to Susanna Reid.
Viewers bombarded me on Twitter with pictures of my head next to one of perma-tanned President Trump with mocking ‘TANGO TWINS!’ style captions
‘It’s not great,’ she giggled. ‘There are some… blending issues.’
I’ve had a lot of uncomfortable moments on live TV, but trying to present the most serious news story of my lifetime while knowing I was resembling a human pumpkin is possibly the most excruciating.
THURSDAY, APRIL 2
My parents began self-isolating down at their Sussex home three weeks ago and have shown commendable stoicism, given that their house is usually engulfed with their children and grandchildren.
But tension mounted this week when my dad ran out of his preferred stress-relieving tipple, a (surprisingly good for the price) £7-a-bottle Spanish ‘Vina del Cura’ rioja from Tesco.
The last time I saw him, just before the lockdown, we both agreed we could cope with just about anything during this crisis except going short of alcoholic sustenance.
So, my sister was tasked with a mercy mission and managed to track down two bottles, while she was out getting essential supplies, that she dropped off at our parents’ house.
Once she’d gone, my mother went out to pick them up, and brought them back inside as my father jumped up with the ravenous thirst of Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway when he spies the rescue boat.
My mother walked towards him clutching the carrier bag of liquid treasure – ironically, it was one of Tesco’s reusable ‘bags for life’ – and as she passed it to my father, the handle broke and both bottles fell to the stone floor, smashing into smithereens.
FRIDAY, APRIL 3
Simon Cowell rang me from Los Angeles where he is self-isolating with his family.
‘Crazy times,’ he said, which, given how insane Simon’s life normally is, was truly saying something.
We shared scornful tales of self-promoting stars using this crisis to make even bigger idiots of themselves, particularly those who’ve been loudly lecturing people how to behave and then doing the complete opposite themselves.
‘Hypocritical preachy celebrities are bottom of the list of things the world needs right now,’ he said.
I couldn’t agree more.
The rules for any star at a time like this are very simple: park your ego, don’t moan about all the trivial stuff you normally whine about, stop posting Instagram pictures of your luxury lifestyle, resist the temptation to make the global pandemic all about yourself, raise money and awareness for people who really need it, and if you’re able to entertain everyone as we sit around watching endless TV, then do so.
Simon’s put his money where his mouth is, taking on £500,000 of debts at the children’s hospice charity Shooting Star (so many charities have been plunged into desperate financial straits) and pledging a further £800,000 to two other organisations that feed the poor.
He’s also successfully persuaded ITV to air the pre-taped audition shows from the new series of Britain’s Got Talent now (it began last night), even if it might be many months before the live finals can be filmed.
‘People are all stuck at home worrying about this virus and what it means for their family’s health and financial security,’ he explained. ‘They need some escapism and fun, and BGT can provide that. It doesn’t matter when we do the live shows. I mean, in the general scheme of things, who bloody cares?’
Exactly.
SATURDAY, APRIL 4
I posted a photo from a FaceTime session with two of my boys and their dog Conor (named after UFC superstar Conor ‘The Notorious’ McGregor due to his fiery temperament).
The Sun reported this bombshell with the headline: ‘Piers Morgan FaceTimes “hot sons” Spencer and Albert from coronavirus isolation.’
Fake news.
It was my sons who FaceTimed their hot dad.
MONDAY, APRIL 6
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex today announced plans to launch a new organisation named Archewell (after their son Archie, who they insist they want to keep private…) that we’re told ‘aims to do something that matters’.
Aside from the grotesquely tone-deaf inappropriateness of doing this immediately after the Queen addressed the nation about coronavirus, I imagine the total number of f**** the British public currently gives about these two narcissistic brats announcing their ‘plans’ as they do nothing that matters in a Hollywood mansion is this: zero.
TUESDAY, APRIL 7
There’s an amusing viral Twitter game doing the rounds where you reveal a list of ten famous people you’ve met but include one lie – and people have to guess which one you’ve never encountered.
Given I’ve met just about everyone, as my serial name-dropping confirms, I reckon I can stump you, so here’s my list and I’ll reveal the fib next week.
Princess Diana
Michael Jackson
President Clinton
Muhammad Ali
Professor Stephen Hawking
The Dalai Lama
Beyoncé
Warren Buffett
Sir Paul McCartney
Nelson Mandela
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8
Talking of Mandela, as we all come to terms with home quarantine, it’s worth remembering he spent 27 years in prison, including 18 of them inside a tiny 8ft x 7ft concrete cell.
Yet he never lost his optimism, nor let the experience break his spirit, and he eventually emerged to change the world immeasurably for the better. His mantra was: ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done.’
We’ll beat this bloody virus. It will take time, and a lot of fortitude, but we’ll beat it. So, hang in there everyone, like Mandela did for all those years.